Among the Willows

I have not been a good man. I had made so many mistakes in my life and taken lives; destroying souls and hearts alike in my careless plight and long journeys. I have turned my back on the innocents, and yes even God, to indulge in my pleasures and cravings for destruction and unholy acts.

It was twenty years of corrupting my own mind, body, and soul; twenty years of staining my hands with blood; twenty years of sinful pleasures from my deepest and wicked desires.

Then I see her. She was young, radiant, with a beautiful air of kindness and compassion shining forth in her gaze and loving smile. Her hair of flowing honey with a wild flower entangled in it fell about that lovely face, while a piece of wood that was carved in the shape of His sacrifice hung about her neck, and His words were always on her lips and in her heart.

She opened my eyes and quieted my unholy desires, but she also took my heart in her warm, gentle hands and started a healing process I had not felt before. it felt like peace to a long, peaceless battle within my soul. Her devotion to He who rules over all life in this forsaken world was unmatched even to the holiest priest or pastor. Though she was ten years my junior, she was wise beyond her years and still had so much life to live and learn about this crude and cold world surrounding us…

But then, she laid in my arms. Broken, wounded, cold, and lifeless; her crimson life now forever stained in my skin, my mind, and my soul. Her eyes once holding a flame of life and unmatched compassion, looks deep inside of me with a cold, emotionless stare. I could never forget those eyes of death. I opened my mouth to scream my pain, but no sound came out of my choked throat to express my sorrow long since locked away in the depths of my soul. My mind, however, screamed a bloody noise of anguish, disgust, and unending pain ever since then.

That day, I had awoken from the daze of sinfulness. this cage I had been encased in for most of my life, but at the cost of an innocent life. A life I had fallen in love with, was now dead, and I was left alone in this world of forsaken land without the one who had brought me back to light.

I buried my grief and shame in marks upon my body. Two friends are my comfort in my dark time; a bottle of that damned liquor, and a knife that bit my skin with its sharp edge and made my own crimson life run down to condemn the floor with my presence. The despair I had for my actions deep within my heart, which plagued me daily like a killing disease; reminding me of what I had done in my life and increasing the amount of grief my already grieving body contained.

To make things worse, I had become a fugitive of the law. My past sins had caught up to me, and now that a bounty is placed on my head, I am doomed to face the gallows. For months, I have wandered aimlessly in the vast wilderness of forested hills and valleys, with barely any provisions and an old steed that has been there for me.

“This is my eternal punishment, huh?” I said to that invisible, all-reigning being in the sky; drowning in my whisky bottle and rocking on the dying trunk of a fallen tree with a shiver. It was not by the chill of the night I shivered to, as a fire kept some warmth on my skin, but because I was drunk and near passing out.

“Is this my final judgment you bequeathed to me, God? Condemned to the pits of hell with the law of men on my tail?!” As always, no reply came from him, and it had made me angry. “Have you abandoned me like everyone else I had known?” Silence was all I heard again in my drunkenness. I threw the bottle as far as I could in frustration before a wave of emotions took over, and I slouched down onto my knees.

“I have no more to live for,” I said in a more leveled tone, dropping to my knees in anguish. “If I could take it all back, I would. If I could restart my life, I would not stray. I would have stayed on the path that my folks laid before me in childhood and not let the sins of man taint me as it did before with the Devil whispering in the ear of a eleven-year-old and immature. I would have not killed; I would have lived better. But… all that is now nothing more than a broken dream and hope.” I looked up at the sky with tears forming in my eyes. “God, is there any hope left for this lonely soul to be redeemed? To be forgiven before the hangman's noose takes my life?” That was all I said before I passed out from the alcohol racing through my body.

The following night, I had found myself trapped in the rain had poured down upon the green earth all day, while I continued my unending journey through the vast territory. I suddenly came upon a lonesome cabin, whose fire from the chimney and light from the windows made me approach with my tired horse. I stopped and dismounted my horse, before tying the old boy to the pole and walked towards the door. I took a deep breath before I gave three knocks on the door. A moment later, the door opened up and I was met with a man of the Holy Book, elderly, with a white beard and hair longer than his face.

“Evening my brother,” He said in a welcoming and gentle voice; greeting me like I was an old friend. “Father,” I replied meekly, lowering my head in a respectful manner with my soaked hat in my hands. “I saw your cabin through the blanket of rain. Do you by chance have a loaf to spare for a lone rider's empty belly and grain for my starving steed?”

“Your partner has already found his home for the night.” He said. I looked to see what He meant, and found my old friend had untied the loose knot in his reins and walked into the small stable I had not noticed until now; safe from the rain as he filled his empty belly with hay and oats. “Come inside from the cold and rain, my brother. Warm and dry yourself by the fire, fill your stomach with nourishment…”

“I appreciate the invitation Father, but I don't think you want a sinner in your home,” I told him, knowing that I was too marked with sin and a condemned soul to be in such company as this man of the cloth. However, He just gave a gentle smile.

“I know who you are.” He said softly, which had me stare in confusion. He… knows me? Is my name that known to even the holiest of men?

“You're not the first man I have seen enter my home carrying such pain and grief in their heart and soul. I invite them to dine at my table, regardless of what their deeds have been in life, where they have been, or who they have traveled with. All are seeking it are welcome in my home and at my table. Now, join me inside son, where it is dry and warm.” I could not resist the offer and went inside, removing my soaked coat and hung it beside my damp hat. The smell of freshly cooked food hit my nose and my empty stomach cried out for the food.

“Help yourself to the hot chicken and potatoes, with warm bread and fresh butter. Milk or water as your choice of fresh drink.” He said as I glanced over the delicious feast my body had not been pleasured with for many days. The Father was the one to hand me a plate with one amount of everything with a cup of cold water. “Sit beside the fire and enjoy your meal brother.” I only gave a nod as I took up the lone chair beside the warming hearth and roaring fire; my chilled bones shredding their coldness and my belly getting the satisfying food it craved desperately.

“Tell me, my brother.” He said, taking a seat in the open rocking chair across from me. “Where have you been for the last few years?” I swallowed the bite of chicken before answering him. “All over these vast lands, Father. I've traveled up and down the mountain paths, east and west of the Rio Grande, and even up into the Russian American Territory. But in all my travels Father,” I continued, feeling that plague deep inside my soul rising to the surface once more. “I have been a sinner. I have done terrible things to others, and myself.”

“What things do you mean?” I sighed before continuing, my gaze on the fire. “Murders, adultery, curses upon others, beliefs in unholy things, stealing, coveting another's belongings, other's wives, cursed God's good name... You name it Father; I have done it. I broke every commandment the good book tells us not to break.”

“I see my brother, and what made you stop?” I looked up at Him; resting my hand over my heart where a final reminder dwelled within the little pocket of my waistcoat. “A girl,” I had finally said. “So innocent and sweet. She saw past my ugly soul and befriended me, even loved me. She slowly helped me see past all the sin that fogged my sight and see the world anew.”

“Where is she who brought you back?” I then had felt the pain rise so high within my chest that the gloss of tears were in my eyes, “I… I killed her, Father." I sobbed in a choked voice. "I let her life be destroyed with one bullet.” I hung my head in shame. “Twenty years old, and I snuffed out her life when my bullet struck her instead of my intended target that had hurt her, through that innocent and caring heart. She stepped before me to not allow me to revert to my old ways.” The Priest gave a nod. I buried my face in one hand. “I have not lived well after that. I turn to the bottle and scar my body to shame myself more for what I've done.”

“It is time for you to forgive yourself, accept what you have done, and be forgiven to free your soul of its chains.”

“I don't think even God can forgive me for my sins, Father,” I replied, doubtful. “He's heard your confession. The true feeling of remorse and longing for forgiveness is strong within your heart and soul.”

“I long for it. To be forgiven for my past sins, to have her forgiveness, and finally find peace. Can I find it though? I have been in sin for so long, those I wronged long gone... I don’t know if I can be forgiven.”

“Thirty years is a long-time brother, but even that time is short in comparison to Our Father.” My head snapped up at the Priest. I tried figuring out how He guessed the length of time I have been drifting in these wild territories, in sin. His watchful eyes gazed at me under thick eyebrows and seemed out of the ordinary; otherworldly I dare say, but with such kindness and mercy. “How do you…?”

“Know about it?” He said, finishing my sentence. “I know everything about you; before My Father blessed your parents with you, He knew who you would become, and what choices in your life you would take. I gave you choices to a better life, and because of the freedom of choice given to you and the whispers of Satan, you have chosen a life on a darker road.” I could not help but looked at him in total shock, my jaw gaping with surprise. He continued.

“My brother, you asked My Father once if He has abandoned you. Here I am, to show that My Father never gives up on His son. You have come home, brother.” I dropped the plate of crumbs and morsels and quickly rose from my chair, backing away in fear and disbelief. “Y-You're saying that y-you're…?” He gave a warm smile, just as a glow encased the Priest. I saw before my eyes that He changed into a young man near my age.

“I am the beloved Son of the Father, the Most High. I am He who calls you brother.” I dropped to my knees; overwhelmed and trembling. I had never been so afraid in my life, now I trembled like a whimpering dog awaiting the sting of a whip from its master. I felt so unworthy to be in His presence; ashamed to even look at His holy face. I buried my face in my hands; not worthy to gaze at He who rules over us all from above.

“My brother, do not hide your face,” he said, taking my hands away from my face. I gazed up at his face and see a warm smile that sent all my fear and shame fleeing from my heart and I was in awe just by his gentleness and kindness for a lowly soul like mine. “I absolve you and grant unto you redemption; for your willing heart cried out for it and have earned this redemption from the sins that weighed you down in life in the sanctity of confession.”

“I take it with great gratitude, Lord,” I replied. “You restored my soul and gave back my heart that was missing for so long. You have given to me a kind deed that I don't know how to repay.”

“Your Penance shall repay. Take heed My word now, brother. Though you are absolved, penance you still have to this world for all the sins you have committed. They shall be lifted if you serve your Reigning Father thirty more years of labor to his people within the sanctity of the monastery north of this small place.”

“As you ask, oh Lord, I will do. I will become celibate for the remainder of my days and spread your good word to anyone who hears and giving good to those poorer than I.” He gave a smile before he left my sight in a ray of golden light with saying, “As your word binds you to this world, it shall bind in Heaven to she who saved your soul and awaits the day you arrive at the gates to paradise.” His last words of comfort only lightened my soul.

After that night, I awoke to a bright day and with a feeling of happiness no words could justify to its fullest. With a refreshed steed that notices my change, we rode to the nearby monastery that welcomed me with open arms to become a new candidate to become a Monk. I was baptized for the first time in my life and given the sacraments to prepare me for my journey into redemption. The first three years passed gracefully as I became more reverend, and the cloud of my old self had dispersed.

I was still wanted throughout the states for my crimes and the kind monks who took me in did know of my wicked deeds my former self had done, but they had seen my new self and ensured that I have changed; therefore, they had kept the laws of men from ending my life before my promise to God was fulfilled.

Ten years have now passed, and I was an Almoner Monk; so reverend and devoted to God and his people that I had no desire but to serve Him and the poor who came to our door and into the town nearby. I still heard the sweet voices of children cry “Brother William! Brother William!” as they ran towards me with glee as I brought fresh fruits and a new story to share that linked to the Good Book with a message and a moral to remember.

“Tell us another story about the Black Rider, Brother William!” said one small child with curious and pleading eyes; wanting to hear another one of my stories about myself. “What became of him after he rode towards the South?”

“Why do you wish to know, my child?” I asked her as I pat her head. “Well, he seemed sad when he came back because he hurt someone he cared about.”

“That he was, my child,” I said, leaning back. “His heart was filled with grief over the loss of that lovely person. It wasn't until he came upon a small cabin that his spirit was lifted from its misery.”

“What was inside the cabin?” she asked with such intrigue in her voice. “Was it a lovely lady?”

“No, my child. An elderly man of strong faith. A Lone Shepherd had welcomed him inside, fed his starving belly, and heard his saddened tale.” She was even more curious. “Did the shepherd scorned him for all that he did?”

“No, dear girl. He gave to the lonely Black Rider a new chance in life to be a better man, and that he did.” She gave a smile as she danced around. “Yay! He is happy and free again! Now he can go see the one he loves and ask her for forgiveness.” I put on a smile, but hearing those words brought a small ache in my chest. Though this little angel meant good, it only hurt like a dagger in my heart. For if there was one person I had longed for forgiveness after God, it was Irene's. But she laid in a grave so far away from here and her spirit resided in Heaven with our Lord.

Twenty more years had passed, and I had become an old man. Long had my hair and beard grown and as white as the snow in the middle of winter, thin has my frame had become with wrinkles beginning to show. I had served my time wholly and willingly to our Lord and the people of this town, and the law of men long gave up in finding me. I have met those from my past and I asked for their forgiveness and offered my help to them. Some did, some refused, and others condemned me; saying that I was only pretending to be reformed. Their words were like needles plunging into my chest. I prayed for them always and ask the Good Lord to have mercy on them, for I had wounded them terribly in sin so long ago.

Now that my promise was fulfilled to the Lord, I was once again free to make a final journey. Since that sweet girl chimed such words years ago, a small piece of my heart ached as Irene's image invaded my dreams. My dreams have been the same subject; me asking her for forgiveness, but the answer always changed and I heard the echoes of the others saying that her forgiveness is nonexistent, and I don't deserve it. I yearned for it, before my time was over in this world.

“Lord,” I prayed before his image upon the cross. “I have done as you asked without any complaint and with the heart and willingness to help others. I ask from the deepest part of my heart and yearning from my soul, to allow me to travel to her place of rest before my time comes. I wish to make my final request to you and ask for your approval.” A soft sound like that of a gentle chorus filled the room. I looked up at the image and saw it glow; this is the answer I asked for, and so I began the preparations for my long journey.

“Brother William,” said a fellow brother as I grabbed the small bag of items I carried with me; the only ties I had to my past and my time here. “Will you be alright to take such a travel, and does it require to dress not in your robes?”

“I have strength for this journey,” I replied, looking at him after straightening my old clothes that have been repaired and tailored to fit my thin frame. “It is a final journey before I meet our Lord, and one I wish to take alone as it is a private matter that awaits at the end of my travels.” He gave a sad nod in understanding. “Then I wish you safe travels and pray that your soul is at peace at your journey's end.” I smiled back, before I bid him farewell and boarded the train that will take me to my destination in the new state of Alaska, where it was once nameless. The journey took me several days to arrive in the city where I was once over thirty years ago.

Much has changed and new faces walked the streets that have become widen and busy. I stayed within the home beside the church for the night with welcoming arms by the priest. He and I spoke about my journey and his church until it grew late and I had to travel early in the morning to the small village that I seek.

As dawn rose, so did the worry and sadness in my chest. Though I remained composed for appearance's sake, it was gnawing at my chest. I arrived at the small village as the sun rose high in the sky and the clouds moved closer to signal a small storm approaching. The town was not booming with life as I remember, and my aged face is unrecognizable to all, even those who have aged like I have when once we were young and fueled by the embers of temptation. I asked for the location of the cemetery and followed the directions given.

I entered and looked for the name I never forgot. When I found her tombstone, I stood before it and the pain in my chest rose so high that tears formed in my eyes. I drop to my knees before the tombstone and laid the fresh wildflowers at the foot of her tombstone.

“Hello Irene,” I said to her, hoping that she heard me. “It has been a long time, and I have grown old.” I took a moment to compose myself before I spoke again. “I came here to ask for your forgiveness. I took your life and almost that of your brother and uncle. I let my anger for their heated words cloud my judgment and did not stay my hand from pulling the trigger when you stood before it. My heart ached for your death and shame befell upon me. God granted me mercy to atone for my past sins, but my heart never recovered from your death.” I could feel the pain in my chest burst as tears flowed from my eyes after being imprisoned within me for so long.

“Irene, I loved you so much. You were the light of my life. You worked to free me from the curse of sin, helped me see the world anew, but it was at the cost of your life, and I was regrettably your executioner. Can you ever forgive me?” I just wept with a hand on her tombstone beside her name; it was all I could do as my heart broke in two once more.

“My love,” said a voice as sweet as the wind's song on a spring day. I felt a hand on my face, and I looked up to see a gentle face I never forgotten. “How fine of a man you have become.”

“Irene!” I said, laying a hand on top of hers, feeling such warmth from her touch. “How I have missed you! The only love of my life.” She smiled that wonderful smile; even in my age, it still took my breath away. “You came to seek forgiveness, my love. I had already forgiven you the day Satan forced you to pull that trigger; when you held me in your arms and remorse overcame you. I never stopped loving you, William.” I felt my heart mended by her words.

“You suffered for too long in this unforgiving world, my love. Time to rest and be joined by those you love.” She laid my head in her lap and for the first time in a long time, my heart and soul were at peace, and I was overcome with happiness.

After some rest, she and I stood up and that was when I looked back and saw my still body rest against her tombstone, a smile on my aged face. Irene took hold of my ageless hand and lead me to paradise where we shall be together forever with the Lord.

I had come home at last, in peace and welcomed in my rejuvenated soul.